Deterministic Universe Tricks Scientists into Believing Science is Real

Within the past year, Stephen Hawking published a book called "The Grand Design" in the Pop Science Market. In it, he makes damn sure, and wants you to know, that the universe told him that everything is determined, robotic, and under control.

Of course, Stephen Hawking never really published a book, the deterministic universe published it for him. He didn't have much of a choice in the matter. None of the idea's are his either. The collective known as 'Stephen Hawking' didn't have much to do with it, since everything from todays weather patterns, you sneezing earlier this week, and your neighbors malfunctioning septic tank (poor guy) was determined at the start of the big bang.

What started it and why remains the best kept secret since the resting place of the holy grail (calm down Dan Brown fans). And What started the thing that started the big bang remains even more elusive.

The collective known as Stephen Hawking would like you to know that you are all biological robots. Everything is out of your control. You are mindless, and every thought, urge, or creative feeling you've ever had as been force fed to you by the all pervading and proven deterministic factors of the universe.

Conversely, Scientists have finally realized that in a deterministic universe, minus any spontaneity or chaos or freedom, all their scientific tests and rigor are completely meaningless. All their methods, notes, thoughts, intuitions, theories, so on and so forth, are force fed to them by the universe. They are not really committing themselves to research at all, just going along with their mindless robotic behavior, doing what they have been determined to do, and getting a chemical rush out of the thought that they are pioneers of scientific truth. (for further reading, please see breathing, sex, eating, television, jump rope, MMORPG'S, and all other things that is ensured by genetics to propagate your species)

As a result, this makes all Scientific statements about the universe null and void, because Scientists have absolutely no control over what they are doing, saying, perceiving, or recording. Their results are about as 'useful' or 'true' as a Rorschach blot. In turn, the collective known as Stephen Hawkings should not be taken seriously, because in about a hundred years all of his work will be obsolete, and the world will have moved on to the next ranting and raving scientists who think they know what they're talking about, just like the heliocentrists, the Newtonians, and Lord Kelvin. Nothing is true, Everything is Permissible. 23 Skidoo. Have a nice day.

"(Philosophy is Dead)"- Stephen Hawkings

Grammar Nazi Concentration Camps being Reconsidered for dismantling in Light of Violence

Since the Grammar Nazi party has gained dominance over the nation it has been sending the 'less fortunate' members of society to concentration camps known as "Public School" to mould their minds into a preferred shape, where 'proper' spelling takes a key role. The alternative being, if they refuse, make them live lives of mediocrity and poverty. In recent years such a standard has been set by almost every other 1st world country as they have adopted the Nazi regimes policies towards teaching people how to write, not effectively, not efficiently, but 'correctly'.

In even more recent years, the practice has received much criticism from the lower class, as the world has become more 'democratized', and the illiterates actually think they deserve a voice.

One event bringing question to such practices and patriotism was the assualt of an illiterate at his place of work. During his break, a customer (and avid Grammar Nazi) happened to snap a glance at a note he was writing. At first it was a mere exchange of words; 'hey,' he said, 'you wrote down the wrong word here, there's an apostrophe in it'. But when the employee brushed his advice off nonchalantly, the situation quickly escalated and ended up turning into an altercation that involved curly fries and a chicken cordon-bleu sandwich.

"It's a horrible thing to go through, and it's not the first time this has happened" said the Arby's cashier, whose name will be omitted, "Especially when your writing an e-mail or jotting a note down, and then someone reads it, whether they're supposed to or not, and there all like; "YOU USED THE WRONG 'THERE/THEIR/THEY'RE'!" And they get really pissed at you, and start frothing at the mouth and stuff, explaining to you why you are objectively wrong. It's terrifying, and it makes you feel kind of destroyed inside.



"It's all the same word to me," he continued, "It's the context that means the most, regardless of how you spell the damn thing. I've seen so many people just float right by the wrong 'they're/there/their' without even noticing. It makes these Grammar Nazi's who run this country look like crazy zealots who need medication."

Some of the more radical groups of the issue have received more media spotlight due to this recent event. A representative from one of the more predominant groups, known as the Chickenscratch Slang Gang, had this to say at a public gathering outside a library:

"This event is an atrocious display of how shallow the tolerance of the Grammar Nazi may be in times of minuscule disagreement, or what they call 'error'. For to long have we been oppressed by the Grammar Nazi party. For to long have we been silenced for the 'err' of our ways. For to long have we been told how to say what we want to say. Now is the time to stand up, and say; "No, 'Ain't' is a word, I will say 'me and drake'- not 'drake and I', all I damn please. I reserve the right to make compound words out of words I say really fast and also happen to go together really well, regardless of whether or not they are in the dictionary. 'Wanna', 'gonna', 'gotta' are all proper contractions... What makes a word real is that the people we are communicating with know what we mean when we say them, and that is all. It is time to take language back into our own hands and make it our own creation, instead of seeking the approval of the Grammar Nazi's!"

We e-mailed the Secretary of State of the Grammar Nazi Party for comment on the coming events and radical backlash, and received a one lined response, with no salutations attached:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Touché, Grammar Nazi's, Touché.

Atheists Actually Think They are the Most Discriminated Minority in the United States

If I were to ask you who do you believe is the most discriminated minority group in the United States today, what would your answer be? Okay, to make it simpler, who would you identify as the group most prejudiced against from a list that includes Blacks, Muslims, Jews, Latinos, Gays and Lesbians, or new immigrants?

Well your fucking wrong, no matter what you picked. You're so God Damn wrong its not even funny. The most discriminated group in the US are not even on that list: Atheists!



That's right. I know you would think that it would be black's because of police brutality and nazi/white supremacist hate crimes. And quite possibly Muslims with the pseudo-counter terrorist hate crimes that have been inflicted on them since 9/11. And probably the gay community, with all the suicides committed in the name of peer pressure and beatings and even deaths of individuals for their against the stream sexuality. But no, it really is atheists. It was that overly argumentative dick head pale white goth kid in your high school english class who got all his pants from hot topic who really knew what the hard edge of discrimination was like, not those other minorities.

Because according to a rather lonely stand alone poll in Minnesota, Atheists scored the lowest when people asked "do these groups share your vision of the American society?" They even made lower then, in fact, new immigrants.

Experts suspect that its because they have tacos to offer, while atheists have nothing.



according to this demotivational poster (a favorite tool among the 'rational atheist' crowd), religion is like hair: The shit just keeps growing back.

This lonely, single individual study concluded that Americans (in Minnesota) disapproved of their children marrying atheists the most, even more than (GASP) black people!

All sarcasm aside, that really does scare the fuck out of us.

And no discrimination article is complete without hate crimes. In the past few years, hate crimes have actually risen quite a lot. There undoubtedly must be room for the atheist crowd in the rise of hate crimes noted by this stunningly well documented FBI report.

Well, to put in short, atheists not only score low on the 'you can't marry my daughter' or 'you can either like America or GIIIT OUT' polls, they also scored tremendously low in the hate crime department. So low they werent even worth mentioning.

The most violent atheist hate crime brought up by the initial article linked at the top of the page?? Children being bullied at school.




And thats your face when you realized that you could of had the shit kicked out of you for being a deep and edgy atheist instead of for the clothes you were wearing, and/or being a faggot.

So the next time you hear about a towel head who was run over by an overly patriotic american; the next time you hear of another black man murdered in the ghetto with a mysteriously large amount of crack sprinkled on his dead, lifeless, bullet filled body; When one of your friends has been disowned and kicked out the house by his own father because he had the balls to man up and say he was gay- you can now say this to yourself:

"Well, at least they don't have it as bad as those atheists."

Pro-Lifers Boycott Eating Eggs, Saying 'Abortion is Murder'

This last Sunday a demonstration was held outside a chain grocery store by a local Pro-Life group. The group chained themselves to the store entrance so that no one could get in, and that they would do this until the store took Eggs off their shelf. They were claiming that the eating chicken eggs for breakfast was abortion, and therefore murder.



"Most people don't understand what kind of pain the chicken fetuses and their mothers are going through," said one Neo-Hippy vegan Christian protestor, "this practice is very wrong, and a symptom of the greater culture going mad."

The boycotters have formed a group called "The Anti-Eating Eggs for Breakfast League" (or AEEBL), and are claiming that the common act of cracking an egg over a frying pan and cooking the chicken fetus is a form of abortion. Their demand is not only that eggs be taken off the shelves, but they say that the chickens should decide to either get married, have kids, and lead responsible adult lives, or stay celibate.

"Chickens shouldn't be running around popping out eggs left and right only to give them to people to abort," commented one pro-lifer, chained to an ATM at the end of the line, "Its all and all debauchery, and we should not tolerate this kind of behavior. Its especially a damn shame that all these farmers are encouraging this behavior as well."



Customers waiting outside trying to get through to their food argued with the protesters, saying that the chickens are forced to go through this process, and that they should have the choice as to whether or not they should have their eggs aborted because its their body.

One man who actually got into the store before the protesters showed up was trapped inside by the line. For about an hour of screaming at the pro-lifers about how he just wanted to go home and eat breakfast, he got fed up and bought eight whole boxes of eggs, and began to protest the protesters by egging the backs of their heads through that nifty automatic sliding door at the exit.

In order to reach a compromise, its been supposed that chickens should use birth control in order to control the flow of eggs they have. The pro-lifers are vehemently against this option claiming that all forms of birth control, even the forms that are used purely for the prevention of pregnancy, are sin.

Critics say that their not really eating chickens, they're mostly eating the yolk, and that white shit around the sides. This is nothing personal against the fetus.


They are also quick to point out that the fairly tiny chicken fetus within the egg isn't even halfway through the first trimester when eaten, and does not bare any resemblance to the biological markings of a chicken at all, so in a strictly legal sense its not one.

"As long as its not legally a chicken, I should be able to eat it," said long time pro-choice activist and critic of AEEBL, Whoopi Goldberg.

The boycott line was eventually broken by the man stuck inside the store as he eventually decided to run them over with his cart. The costumers then rushed past all of them into the store, trampling on several individuals who were still chained together. After being yelled at all morning by hungry customers, getting a bunch of bad publicity and being covered in chicken fetuses, they decided to give up the fight, at least for the moment, and depart.

The man who was stuck inside the store for 6 hours went home and enjoyed the best batch of eggs he has ever had; scrambled, with a little bit of milk mixed in, and with a side of sausage links and orange juice.

James Randi Embraces a Different Kind of Skepticism

"None of you fuckers exist, and I can prove it." - James Randi

Long time skeptic, science pundit, and hater of all things paranormal, James Randi has left the domains of science, embracing a more radical and cut throat skepticism: Solipsism.

James Randi no longer believes that the cutting edge of science can satisfy him and his overtly skeptical urges. Where as once his scientific realism was the basis for his skepticism, now his skepticism has turned against science, and virtually everything else.

"I remember doing this one magic trick back in the 80's" said James Randi, " It's been really bugging me at the back of my mind since then, and Its about time I settle with it.

"I used that magic trick as a basis to prove across the board that all psychics were frauds. I remember the trick being really simple. It wasn't even eloquent or nifty. It was really low grade stuff- and every one applauded me. I'm not shitting you, everyone started clapping over how great this shitty magic trick I learned in 4th grade was. No one even bothered to call me out on the logical gap I had made in my statement that because I can pull a card out of my ass, that all psychics were frauds."

This discomfort in Randi's old, crotchety heart grew over the years. It seemed like everything he did regarding magic tricks and the paranormal received automatic applause from a skeptical community who did nothing but pat themselves on the back all day about how skeptical they were.

"I don't know if these guys ever actually read any of the material I put out, because anyone who was really skeptical would put my material into question. But no, this hardly ever happened at all. None of the skeptics are skeptical of themselves or their scientific methods, which means they're not really skeptics, they're dogmatists; dogmatists who are figments of my mind, but dogmatists none the less."

Another event that had James' panties in a bunch happened in the 80's when he had a tv show. He did an experiment with an astrologer. Not just any kind of experiment, though, a loaded experiment that went something like this: take a handful of married couples, mix them up so you don't know whose married to who, and try to match them to their spouse by their sun sign.

The problem with that is, as the astrologer pointed out, is that your missing over 9/10 of a persons relevant astrological information if you are just given their sun sign, and those are not favorable conditions to try to match couples at all, let alone do anything else regarding a persons astrology.

The experiment was a disaster as virtually none of the real couples were actually matched together, the crowd awed in astonishment, and Randi succeeded in publicly humiliating the practice of astrology on television by not giving the astrologer enough time or information to conduct the experiment with more then 5-10% of the relevant information regarding peoples astrological natal charts.



"Only a con man can get away with a stunt like that," said Randi, " and no one was calling me out on it."

This discomfort grew to even greater size when he came up with the 'million dollar challenge'. Randi, who admittedly has an 'abysmal knowledge of statistics', made up some bullshit test for psychics wherein the only way you could pass was by scoring within chances of 1 in a million- a number unheard of in scientific experiments, yet "everyone treated the challenge as if it was actual science."

The problem here was that people of the scientific skeptical type would use Randi's million dollar challenge as a tool of rhetoric to reject psychic phenomena of any kind by going "well, have you beaten Randi's challenge?" The thing is that the challenge, if beaten, could be rejected on the grounds that passing one single test does not constitute a scientific fact. Its a lose/lose scenario. If you don't pass it, your wrong. If you do pass it, it doesn't count.

The fact that no one within the skeptical community called him on his bullshit use of statistics, his crappy experiment designs, his lack of scientific credentials, or his smoke screen publicity stunts, proved his suspicions to him even more: everything was just a figment of his imagination.

"It's the only explanation that suffices" said Randi, "I simply can't live in a world were people actually buy into my shitty magic tricks and publicity stunts. Any other time someone with a lack of a scientific background comes along and makes all these shoddy experiments and claims, they get ripped a new asshole. For some reason I have been spared from this. Hell, I've been spared from a lot more then that. When I went into chemotherapy the other day, I didn't experience the pain I hear that most people go through.

"It all must be a result of my mind constructing a vaguely painless, pat-you-on-the-back, congratulatory reality that's all in my head."

Scientists have said that there's a perfectly logical explanation for why he's not experiencing pain going through chemo therapy, to which Randi agreed, and responded by pointing to his head. The New Age thinks he may be onto something.

"I wasn't a solipsist at first. It started by me taking my skepticism to new lengths. How could I prove the world existed outside of my sensations? I couldn't. It's not possible. To believe in anymore then my sensory impressions is an absolute matter of faith, and I can't have any of that.

"But I didn't think that it was all my imagination, not at first. I didn't start thinking that until the world bought into my bad writing, my leaps in logic, my cruddy magical demonstrations, the experiments I (tried to) conduct, my lack of scientific credentials, my tirades. If that wasn't enough, the chemo thing really kicked it off for me that this was all a phantasm of my mind, and that I'm some eternal semi conscious demi-god comparable to the Brahman of the Hindu pantheon.

"Yeah, I may get sick every once and a while," says Randi, "and it hurts when I pinch myself, but I don't think that its proof of the external world. Until I have proof of the external world, I can only assume any 'sickness' or 'pain' I experience is a perturbation of my mental faculties, and nothing more. The burden of proof is on the external world, not me."

He has since left CSICOP and The Skeptical Society and dedicated a new monthly magazine publication to writings on his solipsism and drawing comparisons between him and eastern mythological figures like Braham and Bodhisattva.

Randi's departure has also sent a tremor through the 'skeptical' community. We put that in quotes because they have since had their title stripped from them and are now being called out on for being the dogmatic scientific realists they are. Debates have been exploding as to what constitutes real skepticism. Some people have come forward to say that skepticism isn't a position or a stance, but a weapon. Skepticism has no bias or foundation in any kind of epistemology, and can be aimed at everything from experience to religion to science itself- this has been a concept virtually unheard of to anyone who wasn't already a post-modernist.

Randi is only bemused by the fact that his imagination is running so wild now that he's become aware of it's predominance over 'reality'. When he's not writing for his magazines, he spends his time meditating about his Brahman-self in a hut on the Appalachian mountains.

New Scientific Study Discovers strange "Barnes & Noble Syndrome"

The hottest new word in psychological circles since "Depressive Realism" and "Messianic Complex", "Barnes & Nobles Syndrome" has apparently been sweeping the nation since the early 90's undetected by social psychologists.

The phenomena was first posited by Barry Schwartz, author of the book 'The Paradox of Choice'. A book in which he explains that having to much shit to choose from actually impairs ones decision making abilities, and leaves consumers unhappy. He suggests that we should strive for less consumer choice in our stores and lives so that we can be happy with what he have, instead of wishing that we would've gotten one of the million other items at our disposal instead.

Oddly enough, Schwartz never deduced that companies put out so many choices precisely because it makes consumers unhappy, and ergo, shop more.

Schwartz tells us of how he thought up his theorem:

"I once walked into barnes and noble, and the first thing I noticed was that I completely blacked out. I dont know for how long, but I regained awareness outside of the Barnes and Noble with ten things in my hand, and none of them were money."

Schwartz got a paper back version of the Da Vinci Code, Ulysses with commentary by Stuart Gilbert, a handbook of chakra exercises he found in the bargain section, a history of white people, and a box set with half of the Dark Tower series in it. He also had a Mocha Latte and a triple chunk chocolate chip cookie from the cafe, and on the way out was convinced into buying a nook e-book.

"I dont understand," Schwartz continued, " why the hell did they only put half of the dark tower series in the box set? They whole series is published, put the whole damn thing in there!" He paused in frustration, "And a better question is what compelled me to get half of a box set?"

After Schwartz released his paper on the B&N Syndrome, many social scientists started conducting experiments, and confirming Schwartz's suspicion.

"It was weird," Said a participant in a study, "I just got out of my car and stopped by the B&N by the mall. And when they asked me to recollect my experience when I left the store for their 'study', I couldn't recall a single thing I did in there. But here I am, with a magazine on professional cameras and "The Stuff of Thought"- I dont even have an interest in photography or psychology, so I dont know why I bought these things."

One theory explaining the syndrome states that, while entering the store, their higher primate brain takes over. The need to appear smart and intelligent to other people drives them to buy books of any kind, just so that they can add more to their bookshelf and appear smart. Another theory states that 9/11 was an inside job, and its all part of the governments plot to brainwash people into being submissive sheeple who have no control over their own minds.

The key symptom of B&N syndrome is always an undulation of consciousness and a compulsion to buy unnecessary literature that does not even appeal to a persons interests, followed by a regained awareness, and a handful of items they didn't want to begin with. It is widely recognized by the results that its to late to avoid the rest of the effects of the syndrome if they have already encountered the first symptom and blacked out.

Some say that they have actually 'woken up' from their trance state in the middle of the store and realized that they didn't need to buy that picture book of Dante's Inferno or that pulp novel they will never read, dropped the items, and left. But since no scientific studies have been able to reproduce such behavior, it remains to be unconfirmed, anecdotal, unscientific speculation.

Cynical Hipster Prick Commits Suicide After a Serious Reflection of His Musical Taste

This weekend a cynical hipster decided to jump in front of a bus after a heated debate about what constitutes real 'genuine' music. The debate involved a 23 year old hipster male and his lady friend. Some say it wasn't much of a debate at all, but more of a display of douche baggery by the hipster, and say the girl was being victimized for her poor choice in music.

"Alls we were doing was talking about whether Linkin Park was corporate rock or not," said the victim of the hipsters vitriol, "Well, he was anyway, I just mentioned that I liked that new song that they had put out last year, with the transformers and everything, and he just went crazy on me. 'All their songs sound the same!' he said, 'they use a formula in every one of their albums! They're sell outs!'. Just on and on and on. I honestly think he was frothing at the mouth at one point. It was really scary."

Eye witnesses around the same coffee table say that earlier, before the harsher part of the argument, say they could see traces of hipster disdain and an overall saturnine attitude when he talked about wal-mart, sweatshops, and how "Rancids not real punk" all in the same breath.

"I always thought the kid was a bit of a jerk" said one of the victims friends, "I never understood why she even hung out with the guy. He's just a bit of a bummer whenever hes around."

Other patrons at the local coffee shop who witnessed the heated battle of polemics go down confirm that the verbal abuse on part of the hipster was uncalled for. One person even called an animal control squad on account of they thought they were witnessing a bout of rabies induced anger.

"I couldn't understand a word the kid was saying. He was just shouting uncontrollably. I tried to ignore him and drink my coffee, but then he stood up and his mouth started foaming, I knew he had some disease. So I called animal control."

But before animal control could reach the starbucks, the girl being yelled at took a stand for herself, and used the hipsters logic against him.

"I didn't really understand his argument. Every artist has a formula, why should I not like a piece of music or an artists collection of paintings because they're similar? Thats WHY I choose to listen to those artists, because I like the kind of material they put out. I asked him why he liked his music, I mean, sonic youth has a forumula, so do the decemberists, and the shins, but I don't see him going on a rage about how they're all sound the same."

It was in these vital moments, in his angst filled poetic waxing fury, that he was apparently most vulnerable to logic, and came to the conclusion that he needed to commit suicide. Very few people have the will, or even the self respect to pursue a debate with a hipster. Those who do, with the proper tools, are apt to break a hipsters conception of life, the universe, and everything- the results are almost always disastrous.

His parents (who he was living with at the time) hired a spiritual channeller to talk to his ghost in the hopes that he would help explain himself more.

"It really hit me how much of an asshole I was and have been these past few years," said the Hipsters disembodied personality, "Like, wow, I really was an asshole, man. I've seriously been the biggest piece of shit hypocrital scum, ever, for over half a decade. I've been a sheep for the hipster machine, and knew it, and totally denied it, man. Especially about how other people behave and what their personal tastes are. And when that revelation came to me, at that magnitude, in that short span of time, I felt a renewal of life. I was making myself not like certain things and not enjoying the variety life has for double standard political bullshit, and now I didn't have to do that anymore, I was free.

"My instinct at that point, because of the 7 year hipster lifestyle I lived, was to do the most ironic thing i could at that particular moment in time, and kill myself."

Best Selling New Age Quack, Sylvia Browne, has also laid claim to channeling the young hipster after his death, and it just so happens that everything she channelled from him confirmed her entire philosophical worldview, and on top of that, that you should go buy all her books.