This weekend a cynical hipster decided to jump in front of a bus after a heated debate about what constitutes real 'genuine' music. The debate involved a 23 year old hipster male and his lady friend. Some say it wasn't much of a debate at all, but more of a display of douche baggery by the hipster, and say the girl was being victimized for her poor choice in music.
"Alls we were doing was talking about whether Linkin Park was corporate rock or not," said the victim of the hipsters vitriol, "Well, he was anyway, I just mentioned that I liked that new song that they had put out last year, with the transformers and everything, and he just went crazy on me. 'All their songs sound the same!' he said, 'they use a formula in every one of their albums! They're sell outs!'. Just on and on and on. I honestly think he was frothing at the mouth at one point. It was really scary."
Eye witnesses around the same coffee table say that earlier, before the harsher part of the argument, say they could see traces of hipster disdain and an overall saturnine attitude when he talked about wal-mart, sweatshops, and how "Rancids not real punk" all in the same breath.
"I always thought the kid was a bit of a jerk" said one of the victims friends, "I never understood why she even hung out with the guy. He's just a bit of a bummer whenever hes around."
Other patrons at the local coffee shop who witnessed the heated battle of polemics go down confirm that the verbal abuse on part of the hipster was uncalled for. One person even called an animal control squad on account of they thought they were witnessing a bout of rabies induced anger.
"I couldn't understand a word the kid was saying. He was just shouting uncontrollably. I tried to ignore him and drink my coffee, but then he stood up and his mouth started foaming, I knew he had some disease. So I called animal control."
But before animal control could reach the starbucks, the girl being yelled at took a stand for herself, and used the hipsters logic against him.
"I didn't really understand his argument. Every artist has a formula, why should I not like a piece of music or an artists collection of paintings because they're similar? Thats WHY I choose to listen to those artists, because I like the kind of material they put out. I asked him why he liked his music, I mean, sonic youth has a forumula, so do the decemberists, and the shins, but I don't see him going on a rage about how they're all sound the same."
It was in these vital moments, in his angst filled poetic waxing fury, that he was apparently most vulnerable to logic, and came to the conclusion that he needed to commit suicide. Very few people have the will, or even the self respect to pursue a debate with a hipster. Those who do, with the proper tools, are apt to break a hipsters conception of life, the universe, and everything- the results are almost always disastrous.
His parents (who he was living with at the time) hired a spiritual channeller to talk to his ghost in the hopes that he would help explain himself more.
"It really hit me how much of an asshole I was and have been these past few years," said the Hipsters disembodied personality, "Like, wow, I really was an asshole, man. I've seriously been the biggest piece of shit hypocrital scum, ever, for over half a decade. I've been a sheep for the hipster machine, and knew it, and totally denied it, man. Especially about how other people behave and what their personal tastes are. And when that revelation came to me, at that magnitude, in that short span of time, I felt a renewal of life. I was making myself not like certain things and not enjoying the variety life has for double standard political bullshit, and now I didn't have to do that anymore, I was free.
"My instinct at that point, because of the 7 year hipster lifestyle I lived, was to do the most ironic thing i could at that particular moment in time, and kill myself."
Best Selling New Age Quack, Sylvia Browne, has also laid claim to channeling the young hipster after his death, and it just so happens that everything she channelled from him confirmed her entire philosophical worldview, and on top of that, that you should go buy all her books.
