Atheists Actually Think They are the Most Discriminated Minority in the United States

If I were to ask you who do you believe is the most discriminated minority group in the United States today, what would your answer be? Okay, to make it simpler, who would you identify as the group most prejudiced against from a list that includes Blacks, Muslims, Jews, Latinos, Gays and Lesbians, or new immigrants?

Well your fucking wrong, no matter what you picked. You're so God Damn wrong its not even funny. The most discriminated group in the US are not even on that list: Atheists!



That's right. I know you would think that it would be black's because of police brutality and nazi/white supremacist hate crimes. And quite possibly Muslims with the pseudo-counter terrorist hate crimes that have been inflicted on them since 9/11. And probably the gay community, with all the suicides committed in the name of peer pressure and beatings and even deaths of individuals for their against the stream sexuality. But no, it really is atheists. It was that overly argumentative dick head pale white goth kid in your high school english class who got all his pants from hot topic who really knew what the hard edge of discrimination was like, not those other minorities.

Because according to a rather lonely stand alone poll in Minnesota, Atheists scored the lowest when people asked "do these groups share your vision of the American society?" They even made lower then, in fact, new immigrants.

Experts suspect that its because they have tacos to offer, while atheists have nothing.



according to this demotivational poster (a favorite tool among the 'rational atheist' crowd), religion is like hair: The shit just keeps growing back.

This lonely, single individual study concluded that Americans (in Minnesota) disapproved of their children marrying atheists the most, even more than (GASP) black people!

All sarcasm aside, that really does scare the fuck out of us.

And no discrimination article is complete without hate crimes. In the past few years, hate crimes have actually risen quite a lot. There undoubtedly must be room for the atheist crowd in the rise of hate crimes noted by this stunningly well documented FBI report.

Well, to put in short, atheists not only score low on the 'you can't marry my daughter' or 'you can either like America or GIIIT OUT' polls, they also scored tremendously low in the hate crime department. So low they werent even worth mentioning.

The most violent atheist hate crime brought up by the initial article linked at the top of the page?? Children being bullied at school.




And thats your face when you realized that you could of had the shit kicked out of you for being a deep and edgy atheist instead of for the clothes you were wearing, and/or being a faggot.

So the next time you hear about a towel head who was run over by an overly patriotic american; the next time you hear of another black man murdered in the ghetto with a mysteriously large amount of crack sprinkled on his dead, lifeless, bullet filled body; When one of your friends has been disowned and kicked out the house by his own father because he had the balls to man up and say he was gay- you can now say this to yourself:

"Well, at least they don't have it as bad as those atheists."

Pro-Lifers Boycott Eating Eggs, Saying 'Abortion is Murder'

This last Sunday a demonstration was held outside a chain grocery store by a local Pro-Life group. The group chained themselves to the store entrance so that no one could get in, and that they would do this until the store took Eggs off their shelf. They were claiming that the eating chicken eggs for breakfast was abortion, and therefore murder.



"Most people don't understand what kind of pain the chicken fetuses and their mothers are going through," said one Neo-Hippy vegan Christian protestor, "this practice is very wrong, and a symptom of the greater culture going mad."

The boycotters have formed a group called "The Anti-Eating Eggs for Breakfast League" (or AEEBL), and are claiming that the common act of cracking an egg over a frying pan and cooking the chicken fetus is a form of abortion. Their demand is not only that eggs be taken off the shelves, but they say that the chickens should decide to either get married, have kids, and lead responsible adult lives, or stay celibate.

"Chickens shouldn't be running around popping out eggs left and right only to give them to people to abort," commented one pro-lifer, chained to an ATM at the end of the line, "Its all and all debauchery, and we should not tolerate this kind of behavior. Its especially a damn shame that all these farmers are encouraging this behavior as well."



Customers waiting outside trying to get through to their food argued with the protesters, saying that the chickens are forced to go through this process, and that they should have the choice as to whether or not they should have their eggs aborted because its their body.

One man who actually got into the store before the protesters showed up was trapped inside by the line. For about an hour of screaming at the pro-lifers about how he just wanted to go home and eat breakfast, he got fed up and bought eight whole boxes of eggs, and began to protest the protesters by egging the backs of their heads through that nifty automatic sliding door at the exit.

In order to reach a compromise, its been supposed that chickens should use birth control in order to control the flow of eggs they have. The pro-lifers are vehemently against this option claiming that all forms of birth control, even the forms that are used purely for the prevention of pregnancy, are sin.

Critics say that their not really eating chickens, they're mostly eating the yolk, and that white shit around the sides. This is nothing personal against the fetus.


They are also quick to point out that the fairly tiny chicken fetus within the egg isn't even halfway through the first trimester when eaten, and does not bare any resemblance to the biological markings of a chicken at all, so in a strictly legal sense its not one.

"As long as its not legally a chicken, I should be able to eat it," said long time pro-choice activist and critic of AEEBL, Whoopi Goldberg.

The boycott line was eventually broken by the man stuck inside the store as he eventually decided to run them over with his cart. The costumers then rushed past all of them into the store, trampling on several individuals who were still chained together. After being yelled at all morning by hungry customers, getting a bunch of bad publicity and being covered in chicken fetuses, they decided to give up the fight, at least for the moment, and depart.

The man who was stuck inside the store for 6 hours went home and enjoyed the best batch of eggs he has ever had; scrambled, with a little bit of milk mixed in, and with a side of sausage links and orange juice.

James Randi Embraces a Different Kind of Skepticism

"None of you fuckers exist, and I can prove it." - James Randi

Long time skeptic, science pundit, and hater of all things paranormal, James Randi has left the domains of science, embracing a more radical and cut throat skepticism: Solipsism.

James Randi no longer believes that the cutting edge of science can satisfy him and his overtly skeptical urges. Where as once his scientific realism was the basis for his skepticism, now his skepticism has turned against science, and virtually everything else.

"I remember doing this one magic trick back in the 80's" said James Randi, " It's been really bugging me at the back of my mind since then, and Its about time I settle with it.

"I used that magic trick as a basis to prove across the board that all psychics were frauds. I remember the trick being really simple. It wasn't even eloquent or nifty. It was really low grade stuff- and every one applauded me. I'm not shitting you, everyone started clapping over how great this shitty magic trick I learned in 4th grade was. No one even bothered to call me out on the logical gap I had made in my statement that because I can pull a card out of my ass, that all psychics were frauds."

This discomfort in Randi's old, crotchety heart grew over the years. It seemed like everything he did regarding magic tricks and the paranormal received automatic applause from a skeptical community who did nothing but pat themselves on the back all day about how skeptical they were.

"I don't know if these guys ever actually read any of the material I put out, because anyone who was really skeptical would put my material into question. But no, this hardly ever happened at all. None of the skeptics are skeptical of themselves or their scientific methods, which means they're not really skeptics, they're dogmatists; dogmatists who are figments of my mind, but dogmatists none the less."

Another event that had James' panties in a bunch happened in the 80's when he had a tv show. He did an experiment with an astrologer. Not just any kind of experiment, though, a loaded experiment that went something like this: take a handful of married couples, mix them up so you don't know whose married to who, and try to match them to their spouse by their sun sign.

The problem with that is, as the astrologer pointed out, is that your missing over 9/10 of a persons relevant astrological information if you are just given their sun sign, and those are not favorable conditions to try to match couples at all, let alone do anything else regarding a persons astrology.

The experiment was a disaster as virtually none of the real couples were actually matched together, the crowd awed in astonishment, and Randi succeeded in publicly humiliating the practice of astrology on television by not giving the astrologer enough time or information to conduct the experiment with more then 5-10% of the relevant information regarding peoples astrological natal charts.



"Only a con man can get away with a stunt like that," said Randi, " and no one was calling me out on it."

This discomfort grew to even greater size when he came up with the 'million dollar challenge'. Randi, who admittedly has an 'abysmal knowledge of statistics', made up some bullshit test for psychics wherein the only way you could pass was by scoring within chances of 1 in a million- a number unheard of in scientific experiments, yet "everyone treated the challenge as if it was actual science."

The problem here was that people of the scientific skeptical type would use Randi's million dollar challenge as a tool of rhetoric to reject psychic phenomena of any kind by going "well, have you beaten Randi's challenge?" The thing is that the challenge, if beaten, could be rejected on the grounds that passing one single test does not constitute a scientific fact. Its a lose/lose scenario. If you don't pass it, your wrong. If you do pass it, it doesn't count.

The fact that no one within the skeptical community called him on his bullshit use of statistics, his crappy experiment designs, his lack of scientific credentials, or his smoke screen publicity stunts, proved his suspicions to him even more: everything was just a figment of his imagination.

"It's the only explanation that suffices" said Randi, "I simply can't live in a world were people actually buy into my shitty magic tricks and publicity stunts. Any other time someone with a lack of a scientific background comes along and makes all these shoddy experiments and claims, they get ripped a new asshole. For some reason I have been spared from this. Hell, I've been spared from a lot more then that. When I went into chemotherapy the other day, I didn't experience the pain I hear that most people go through.

"It all must be a result of my mind constructing a vaguely painless, pat-you-on-the-back, congratulatory reality that's all in my head."

Scientists have said that there's a perfectly logical explanation for why he's not experiencing pain going through chemo therapy, to which Randi agreed, and responded by pointing to his head. The New Age thinks he may be onto something.

"I wasn't a solipsist at first. It started by me taking my skepticism to new lengths. How could I prove the world existed outside of my sensations? I couldn't. It's not possible. To believe in anymore then my sensory impressions is an absolute matter of faith, and I can't have any of that.

"But I didn't think that it was all my imagination, not at first. I didn't start thinking that until the world bought into my bad writing, my leaps in logic, my cruddy magical demonstrations, the experiments I (tried to) conduct, my lack of scientific credentials, my tirades. If that wasn't enough, the chemo thing really kicked it off for me that this was all a phantasm of my mind, and that I'm some eternal semi conscious demi-god comparable to the Brahman of the Hindu pantheon.

"Yeah, I may get sick every once and a while," says Randi, "and it hurts when I pinch myself, but I don't think that its proof of the external world. Until I have proof of the external world, I can only assume any 'sickness' or 'pain' I experience is a perturbation of my mental faculties, and nothing more. The burden of proof is on the external world, not me."

He has since left CSICOP and The Skeptical Society and dedicated a new monthly magazine publication to writings on his solipsism and drawing comparisons between him and eastern mythological figures like Braham and Bodhisattva.

Randi's departure has also sent a tremor through the 'skeptical' community. We put that in quotes because they have since had their title stripped from them and are now being called out on for being the dogmatic scientific realists they are. Debates have been exploding as to what constitutes real skepticism. Some people have come forward to say that skepticism isn't a position or a stance, but a weapon. Skepticism has no bias or foundation in any kind of epistemology, and can be aimed at everything from experience to religion to science itself- this has been a concept virtually unheard of to anyone who wasn't already a post-modernist.

Randi is only bemused by the fact that his imagination is running so wild now that he's become aware of it's predominance over 'reality'. When he's not writing for his magazines, he spends his time meditating about his Brahman-self in a hut on the Appalachian mountains.

New Scientific Study Discovers strange "Barnes & Noble Syndrome"

The hottest new word in psychological circles since "Depressive Realism" and "Messianic Complex", "Barnes & Nobles Syndrome" has apparently been sweeping the nation since the early 90's undetected by social psychologists.

The phenomena was first posited by Barry Schwartz, author of the book 'The Paradox of Choice'. A book in which he explains that having to much shit to choose from actually impairs ones decision making abilities, and leaves consumers unhappy. He suggests that we should strive for less consumer choice in our stores and lives so that we can be happy with what he have, instead of wishing that we would've gotten one of the million other items at our disposal instead.

Oddly enough, Schwartz never deduced that companies put out so many choices precisely because it makes consumers unhappy, and ergo, shop more.

Schwartz tells us of how he thought up his theorem:

"I once walked into barnes and noble, and the first thing I noticed was that I completely blacked out. I dont know for how long, but I regained awareness outside of the Barnes and Noble with ten things in my hand, and none of them were money."

Schwartz got a paper back version of the Da Vinci Code, Ulysses with commentary by Stuart Gilbert, a handbook of chakra exercises he found in the bargain section, a history of white people, and a box set with half of the Dark Tower series in it. He also had a Mocha Latte and a triple chunk chocolate chip cookie from the cafe, and on the way out was convinced into buying a nook e-book.

"I dont understand," Schwartz continued, " why the hell did they only put half of the dark tower series in the box set? They whole series is published, put the whole damn thing in there!" He paused in frustration, "And a better question is what compelled me to get half of a box set?"

After Schwartz released his paper on the B&N Syndrome, many social scientists started conducting experiments, and confirming Schwartz's suspicion.

"It was weird," Said a participant in a study, "I just got out of my car and stopped by the B&N by the mall. And when they asked me to recollect my experience when I left the store for their 'study', I couldn't recall a single thing I did in there. But here I am, with a magazine on professional cameras and "The Stuff of Thought"- I dont even have an interest in photography or psychology, so I dont know why I bought these things."

One theory explaining the syndrome states that, while entering the store, their higher primate brain takes over. The need to appear smart and intelligent to other people drives them to buy books of any kind, just so that they can add more to their bookshelf and appear smart. Another theory states that 9/11 was an inside job, and its all part of the governments plot to brainwash people into being submissive sheeple who have no control over their own minds.

The key symptom of B&N syndrome is always an undulation of consciousness and a compulsion to buy unnecessary literature that does not even appeal to a persons interests, followed by a regained awareness, and a handful of items they didn't want to begin with. It is widely recognized by the results that its to late to avoid the rest of the effects of the syndrome if they have already encountered the first symptom and blacked out.

Some say that they have actually 'woken up' from their trance state in the middle of the store and realized that they didn't need to buy that picture book of Dante's Inferno or that pulp novel they will never read, dropped the items, and left. But since no scientific studies have been able to reproduce such behavior, it remains to be unconfirmed, anecdotal, unscientific speculation.

Cynical Hipster Prick Commits Suicide After a Serious Reflection of His Musical Taste

This weekend a cynical hipster decided to jump in front of a bus after a heated debate about what constitutes real 'genuine' music. The debate involved a 23 year old hipster male and his lady friend. Some say it wasn't much of a debate at all, but more of a display of douche baggery by the hipster, and say the girl was being victimized for her poor choice in music.

"Alls we were doing was talking about whether Linkin Park was corporate rock or not," said the victim of the hipsters vitriol, "Well, he was anyway, I just mentioned that I liked that new song that they had put out last year, with the transformers and everything, and he just went crazy on me. 'All their songs sound the same!' he said, 'they use a formula in every one of their albums! They're sell outs!'. Just on and on and on. I honestly think he was frothing at the mouth at one point. It was really scary."

Eye witnesses around the same coffee table say that earlier, before the harsher part of the argument, say they could see traces of hipster disdain and an overall saturnine attitude when he talked about wal-mart, sweatshops, and how "Rancids not real punk" all in the same breath.

"I always thought the kid was a bit of a jerk" said one of the victims friends, "I never understood why she even hung out with the guy. He's just a bit of a bummer whenever hes around."

Other patrons at the local coffee shop who witnessed the heated battle of polemics go down confirm that the verbal abuse on part of the hipster was uncalled for. One person even called an animal control squad on account of they thought they were witnessing a bout of rabies induced anger.

"I couldn't understand a word the kid was saying. He was just shouting uncontrollably. I tried to ignore him and drink my coffee, but then he stood up and his mouth started foaming, I knew he had some disease. So I called animal control."

But before animal control could reach the starbucks, the girl being yelled at took a stand for herself, and used the hipsters logic against him.

"I didn't really understand his argument. Every artist has a formula, why should I not like a piece of music or an artists collection of paintings because they're similar? Thats WHY I choose to listen to those artists, because I like the kind of material they put out. I asked him why he liked his music, I mean, sonic youth has a forumula, so do the decemberists, and the shins, but I don't see him going on a rage about how they're all sound the same."

It was in these vital moments, in his angst filled poetic waxing fury, that he was apparently most vulnerable to logic, and came to the conclusion that he needed to commit suicide. Very few people have the will, or even the self respect to pursue a debate with a hipster. Those who do, with the proper tools, are apt to break a hipsters conception of life, the universe, and everything- the results are almost always disastrous.

His parents (who he was living with at the time) hired a spiritual channeller to talk to his ghost in the hopes that he would help explain himself more.

"It really hit me how much of an asshole I was and have been these past few years," said the Hipsters disembodied personality, "Like, wow, I really was an asshole, man. I've seriously been the biggest piece of shit hypocrital scum, ever, for over half a decade. I've been a sheep for the hipster machine, and knew it, and totally denied it, man. Especially about how other people behave and what their personal tastes are. And when that revelation came to me, at that magnitude, in that short span of time, I felt a renewal of life. I was making myself not like certain things and not enjoying the variety life has for double standard political bullshit, and now I didn't have to do that anymore, I was free.

"My instinct at that point, because of the 7 year hipster lifestyle I lived, was to do the most ironic thing i could at that particular moment in time, and kill myself."

Best Selling New Age Quack, Sylvia Browne, has also laid claim to channeling the young hipster after his death, and it just so happens that everything she channelled from him confirmed her entire philosophical worldview, and on top of that, that you should go buy all her books.

Law of physics broken, sets loose Unicorns, Christian Atheist Pastors, and Cthulhu

The news is out, physicists in New York finally been able to wrestle the continuum of reality to the ground and have broken one of her limbs, otherwise known as parity, 'if only for a moment'.

Parity is a law that states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Now with "one of the most “sacred” laws of nature" broken, scientists have unleashed a totally uncalled for shit storm upon the world.

As of last tuesday, the New York State Zoo's collection of unicorns broke free and galloped away on a rainbow.

"We didn't even know we had a collection of unicorns," said one of the zookeepers, "I've worked here for 30 years and never been aware of this. But someone called in a report of escaping unicorns, i went to go check, and by God there was a unicorn keep. It was right were the monkeys used to be."

Likewise across the globe over in the Netherlands, an Atheist Preacher has been allowed to keep his office in a protestant church. After thousands of years of war, burnt flesh, and vitriol filled speech against all heathens and non-believers, it appears as if Christianity has stopped giving a fuck about whether one believes or not in their meticulous doctrines and decided to start being the inclusive, love your neighbor religion Jesus the Christ wanted it to be.

And in the same step of law breaking blasphemy, scientists have developed the first artificial cell.

The same day the law of parity was broken, earthquakes were reported around the southern tip of South America and New Zealand. Scientists stationed in Antarctica were able to calm the world public down by announcing that they have "confirmed that this is nothing to worry about. [The] stars are right and the city of R'lyeh is just rising from the depths as Cthulhu wakes from his slumber."

After everyone realized that the situation was typical and not a cataclysmic earthquake, they began to say goodbye to their firstborns as they sent them off to be sacrificed to the Elder God himself.

In other news, seemily taboo and odd events have been happening around the globe to such a degree that not even the information superhighway has been able to catalog the half of them. The dead Psychonaut Anarcho-Libertarian Robert Anton Wilson was not surprised by these events, and now feels he can rest in peace with his other dead Psychonaut Anarchist friends, Terence Mckenna and Timothy Leary, with the satisfaction of knowing that the world turned out to be the acid trip they always thought it was.

US Suceeds in Dominating Nature by Spilling Oil All Over the Bitch

The now catastrophic 2010 Oil Spill tour of the Gulf of Mexico has proven to be the most effective domination of nature since the dam.

Many whinny tree hugging fairies have come forth to note their disapproval of such behavior taken by the the United States of Corporate America, claiming that this could have a negative effect on the larger environment if action is not taken quickly enough. They say such a negative effect on the earth could have a negative effect on the human populace, because we live here and stuff.

Others don't think so, pointing out that the general human populace lives within civilization, which is not natural, and because of that we are exempt from environmental crisis, peak oil, or anything pertaining to natural disasters.

"Causation does not imply correlation" said a professor of physics at the University of Maryland, "all these hippies think that because we draw our resources from the natural world that we're inexorably connected to the world. This is not the case. We, the human species, have nothing to do with the condition or evolution of this planet. Most of us just drive our cars and pay our bills. You ever see a lemur or a hive of bees do that? No. And that's definitive proof that we're living in two separate worlds.

"And who cares about all this oil pollution anyhow? I don't see a problem with it leaking into the gulf. It will just mix with the water or something and evaporate into the clouds. Problem solved, no more oil in the Gulf. And as for the wildlife goes, If those little birds and fishies can't avoid the gooey black stuff, thats Darwin in effect. Survival of the fittest."

Later, he tried to demonstrate this particular effect of Darwinian Evolution by pouring bleach on a set of plants. The plants he poured them on, however, we're his neighbors and he was arrested for destruction of property.

A Bayou Fisherman wishes this same logic with destruction of property and arrest would apply to the owners of BP, and thinks they should be treated like terrorists. But not because they've terrorized the vast environment of the Gulf, killed off millions of wildlife and entire species with their act of ecocide, but because they've destroyed the American Economy.

"Osama bin Laden couldn’t have done a better job of destroying a part of the American economy. This oil spill? It’s like the ultimate act of terrorism. And these guys should be treated like terrorists."

Speaking of Osama Bin Laden and Terrorism, one of our correspondents, Captain Tin Hat, had this to say about the oil spill.

"Give me a break," he caustically droned, "do they really expect us to believe that 19 licensed crew members hijacked a government subsidized BP ship with box cutters, sailed into the gulf of Mexico, tried drilling and capping an oil well, and continued such an operation after they failed a key pressure test for the capping of this well?

"This is a highly conspicuous scenario. Anyone with half a brain will deduce that this was obviously a controlled demolition in order to draw attention away from the Political Pedophilia Ring in Scotland and the coming doom of our newly socialized healthcare. We need to rally and wake the sheeple up to bring down this corrupt system, it's the only way!"

Captain Tin Hat could no longer be reached for comment because he had to restrained and given his medicine.

Liberal Atheists Release Study Revealing That They're Smarter Then Everyone Else

This just in; Liberal Atheist Dr.Satoshi Kanazawa has just finished collecting massive amounts of data for his meta-analysis study on human intelligence and concluded that Liberal Atheists like him are smarter then everyone else. At least men, anyway. The Doctor claims his collection of studies show that Liberal Atheist minded people have 11 points on average over conservative Christians on their IQ tests. The study also shows that Liberal Atheists make better husbands.

Seriously.

Many have already come forward to accuse Kanazawa of being overtly biased, tampering with test scores in order to get the results he wants to compensate for his lack of endowment.

"Basically he's telling everyone to believe Liberal Atheists are smarter then everyone else solely because he said so," Said Conservative Dan, "using the same facade of fascist empirical research Hitler used to forward his ideology of master race biology. I say we go over there to his fanciful tea-time palace over in london and show him what a waterboard looks like."

We later were able to get a few words from the verbose Skepticalfag, who was highly caustic of Dr. Kanazawa's results.

"Skepticalfag is skeptical," commented Skepticalfag, "Does anyone else think its a bit fishy that a Male Liberal Atheist came up with a study to show that specifically Male Liberal Atheists are more intellectually dominant? I mean, i'm no feminist, but I know a bluff when I see one.

"Second; Only two kinds of people take meta-analysis seriously, one is the field of medicine (and God only knows how fucked there shit is), and the other is Dean Radin, Parapsychologist extraordinaire. I would hope Mr. Satoshi whats-his-name doesn't ascribe to either. But being that this is the same asshole that thinks a nation's average IQ scores is an accurate measure of how dedicated they are to healthcare, and that the populations in sub-Saharan Africa are less healthy because they have a low IQ, and being in a poor, unhealthy environment has nothing to do with it, I wouldn't get my hopes up."

As expected, Male Butthurt-Atheist Brian Sapient of the RRS ('Rational' Response Squad) appeared on stickam.com shortly after the study was released to make fun of theists and gloat around over his own supposed intelligence.

"Well, i'd like to go on TV to rant and rave about how this chinky eyed bastard is spreading the seed of the devil," said Jerry Falwells ghost, "but i'm kind of dead."

We later got to speak to Evolutionary Biologist, Paleontologist, Historian of Science Stephen J Gould about this subject, who happens to think that Kanazawa and his IQ tests are total fucking bullshit:

"[I think it's safe to say that according Kanazawa's previous history and the underlying tones of his current work, it's obvious he is trying to achieve the ridiculous aim of] abstracting intelligence as a single entity, its location within the brain, its quantification as one number for each individual, and the use of these numbers to rank people in a single series of worthiness, invariably to conclude that oppressed and disadvantaged groups, races, classes, or sexes are innately inferior and deserve their status. [Which is retarded]."

To conclude; we predict that, although Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa's studies are self serving, biased, and overall fucktarded, that there will be an 89% chance of sexist-liberal-atheist hate showers over the vast intellectual abyss of the internetz. Bring your umbrella, and don't feed the trolls.