Law of physics broken, sets loose Unicorns, Christian Atheist Pastors, and Cthulhu

The news is out, physicists in New York finally been able to wrestle the continuum of reality to the ground and have broken one of her limbs, otherwise known as parity, 'if only for a moment'.

Parity is a law that states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Now with "one of the most “sacred” laws of nature" broken, scientists have unleashed a totally uncalled for shit storm upon the world.

As of last tuesday, the New York State Zoo's collection of unicorns broke free and galloped away on a rainbow.

"We didn't even know we had a collection of unicorns," said one of the zookeepers, "I've worked here for 30 years and never been aware of this. But someone called in a report of escaping unicorns, i went to go check, and by God there was a unicorn keep. It was right were the monkeys used to be."

Likewise across the globe over in the Netherlands, an Atheist Preacher has been allowed to keep his office in a protestant church. After thousands of years of war, burnt flesh, and vitriol filled speech against all heathens and non-believers, it appears as if Christianity has stopped giving a fuck about whether one believes or not in their meticulous doctrines and decided to start being the inclusive, love your neighbor religion Jesus the Christ wanted it to be.

And in the same step of law breaking blasphemy, scientists have developed the first artificial cell.

The same day the law of parity was broken, earthquakes were reported around the southern tip of South America and New Zealand. Scientists stationed in Antarctica were able to calm the world public down by announcing that they have "confirmed that this is nothing to worry about. [The] stars are right and the city of R'lyeh is just rising from the depths as Cthulhu wakes from his slumber."

After everyone realized that the situation was typical and not a cataclysmic earthquake, they began to say goodbye to their firstborns as they sent them off to be sacrificed to the Elder God himself.

In other news, seemily taboo and odd events have been happening around the globe to such a degree that not even the information superhighway has been able to catalog the half of them. The dead Psychonaut Anarcho-Libertarian Robert Anton Wilson was not surprised by these events, and now feels he can rest in peace with his other dead Psychonaut Anarchist friends, Terence Mckenna and Timothy Leary, with the satisfaction of knowing that the world turned out to be the acid trip they always thought it was.

US Suceeds in Dominating Nature by Spilling Oil All Over the Bitch

The now catastrophic 2010 Oil Spill tour of the Gulf of Mexico has proven to be the most effective domination of nature since the dam.

Many whinny tree hugging fairies have come forth to note their disapproval of such behavior taken by the the United States of Corporate America, claiming that this could have a negative effect on the larger environment if action is not taken quickly enough. They say such a negative effect on the earth could have a negative effect on the human populace, because we live here and stuff.

Others don't think so, pointing out that the general human populace lives within civilization, which is not natural, and because of that we are exempt from environmental crisis, peak oil, or anything pertaining to natural disasters.

"Causation does not imply correlation" said a professor of physics at the University of Maryland, "all these hippies think that because we draw our resources from the natural world that we're inexorably connected to the world. This is not the case. We, the human species, have nothing to do with the condition or evolution of this planet. Most of us just drive our cars and pay our bills. You ever see a lemur or a hive of bees do that? No. And that's definitive proof that we're living in two separate worlds.

"And who cares about all this oil pollution anyhow? I don't see a problem with it leaking into the gulf. It will just mix with the water or something and evaporate into the clouds. Problem solved, no more oil in the Gulf. And as for the wildlife goes, If those little birds and fishies can't avoid the gooey black stuff, thats Darwin in effect. Survival of the fittest."

Later, he tried to demonstrate this particular effect of Darwinian Evolution by pouring bleach on a set of plants. The plants he poured them on, however, we're his neighbors and he was arrested for destruction of property.

A Bayou Fisherman wishes this same logic with destruction of property and arrest would apply to the owners of BP, and thinks they should be treated like terrorists. But not because they've terrorized the vast environment of the Gulf, killed off millions of wildlife and entire species with their act of ecocide, but because they've destroyed the American Economy.

"Osama bin Laden couldn’t have done a better job of destroying a part of the American economy. This oil spill? It’s like the ultimate act of terrorism. And these guys should be treated like terrorists."

Speaking of Osama Bin Laden and Terrorism, one of our correspondents, Captain Tin Hat, had this to say about the oil spill.

"Give me a break," he caustically droned, "do they really expect us to believe that 19 licensed crew members hijacked a government subsidized BP ship with box cutters, sailed into the gulf of Mexico, tried drilling and capping an oil well, and continued such an operation after they failed a key pressure test for the capping of this well?

"This is a highly conspicuous scenario. Anyone with half a brain will deduce that this was obviously a controlled demolition in order to draw attention away from the Political Pedophilia Ring in Scotland and the coming doom of our newly socialized healthcare. We need to rally and wake the sheeple up to bring down this corrupt system, it's the only way!"

Captain Tin Hat could no longer be reached for comment because he had to restrained and given his medicine.