Deterministic Universe Tricks Scientists into Believing Science is Real

Within the past year, Stephen Hawking published a book called "The Grand Design" in the Pop Science Market. In it, he makes damn sure, and wants you to know, that the universe told him that everything is determined, robotic, and under control.

Of course, Stephen Hawking never really published a book, the deterministic universe published it for him. He didn't have much of a choice in the matter. None of the idea's are his either. The collective known as 'Stephen Hawking' didn't have much to do with it, since everything from todays weather patterns, you sneezing earlier this week, and your neighbors malfunctioning septic tank (poor guy) was determined at the start of the big bang.

What started it and why remains the best kept secret since the resting place of the holy grail (calm down Dan Brown fans). And What started the thing that started the big bang remains even more elusive.

The collective known as Stephen Hawking would like you to know that you are all biological robots. Everything is out of your control. You are mindless, and every thought, urge, or creative feeling you've ever had as been force fed to you by the all pervading and proven deterministic factors of the universe.

Conversely, Scientists have finally realized that in a deterministic universe, minus any spontaneity or chaos or freedom, all their scientific tests and rigor are completely meaningless. All their methods, notes, thoughts, intuitions, theories, so on and so forth, are force fed to them by the universe. They are not really committing themselves to research at all, just going along with their mindless robotic behavior, doing what they have been determined to do, and getting a chemical rush out of the thought that they are pioneers of scientific truth. (for further reading, please see breathing, sex, eating, television, jump rope, MMORPG'S, and all other things that is ensured by genetics to propagate your species)

As a result, this makes all Scientific statements about the universe null and void, because Scientists have absolutely no control over what they are doing, saying, perceiving, or recording. Their results are about as 'useful' or 'true' as a Rorschach blot. In turn, the collective known as Stephen Hawkings should not be taken seriously, because in about a hundred years all of his work will be obsolete, and the world will have moved on to the next ranting and raving scientists who think they know what they're talking about, just like the heliocentrists, the Newtonians, and Lord Kelvin. Nothing is true, Everything is Permissible. 23 Skidoo. Have a nice day.

"(Philosophy is Dead)"- Stephen Hawkings

Grammar Nazi Concentration Camps being Reconsidered for dismantling in Light of Violence

Since the Grammar Nazi party has gained dominance over the nation it has been sending the 'less fortunate' members of society to concentration camps known as "Public School" to mould their minds into a preferred shape, where 'proper' spelling takes a key role. The alternative being, if they refuse, make them live lives of mediocrity and poverty. In recent years such a standard has been set by almost every other 1st world country as they have adopted the Nazi regimes policies towards teaching people how to write, not effectively, not efficiently, but 'correctly'.

In even more recent years, the practice has received much criticism from the lower class, as the world has become more 'democratized', and the illiterates actually think they deserve a voice.

One event bringing question to such practices and patriotism was the assualt of an illiterate at his place of work. During his break, a customer (and avid Grammar Nazi) happened to snap a glance at a note he was writing. At first it was a mere exchange of words; 'hey,' he said, 'you wrote down the wrong word here, there's an apostrophe in it'. But when the employee brushed his advice off nonchalantly, the situation quickly escalated and ended up turning into an altercation that involved curly fries and a chicken cordon-bleu sandwich.

"It's a horrible thing to go through, and it's not the first time this has happened" said the Arby's cashier, whose name will be omitted, "Especially when your writing an e-mail or jotting a note down, and then someone reads it, whether they're supposed to or not, and there all like; "YOU USED THE WRONG 'THERE/THEIR/THEY'RE'!" And they get really pissed at you, and start frothing at the mouth and stuff, explaining to you why you are objectively wrong. It's terrifying, and it makes you feel kind of destroyed inside.



"It's all the same word to me," he continued, "It's the context that means the most, regardless of how you spell the damn thing. I've seen so many people just float right by the wrong 'they're/there/their' without even noticing. It makes these Grammar Nazi's who run this country look like crazy zealots who need medication."

Some of the more radical groups of the issue have received more media spotlight due to this recent event. A representative from one of the more predominant groups, known as the Chickenscratch Slang Gang, had this to say at a public gathering outside a library:

"This event is an atrocious display of how shallow the tolerance of the Grammar Nazi may be in times of minuscule disagreement, or what they call 'error'. For to long have we been oppressed by the Grammar Nazi party. For to long have we been silenced for the 'err' of our ways. For to long have we been told how to say what we want to say. Now is the time to stand up, and say; "No, 'Ain't' is a word, I will say 'me and drake'- not 'drake and I', all I damn please. I reserve the right to make compound words out of words I say really fast and also happen to go together really well, regardless of whether or not they are in the dictionary. 'Wanna', 'gonna', 'gotta' are all proper contractions... What makes a word real is that the people we are communicating with know what we mean when we say them, and that is all. It is time to take language back into our own hands and make it our own creation, instead of seeking the approval of the Grammar Nazi's!"

We e-mailed the Secretary of State of the Grammar Nazi Party for comment on the coming events and radical backlash, and received a one lined response, with no salutations attached:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Touché, Grammar Nazi's, Touché.