Thursday, August 5, 2010

New Scientific Study Discovers strange "Barnes & Noble Syndrome"



The hottest new word in psychological circles since "Depressive Realism" and "Messianic Complex", "Barnes & Nobles Syndrome" has apparently been sweeping the nation since the early 90's undetected by social psychologists.

The phenomena was first posited by Barry Schwartz, author of the book 'The Paradox of Choice'. A book in which he explains that having to much shit to choose from actually impairs ones decision making abilities, and leaves consumers unhappy. He suggests that we should strive for less consumer choice in our stores and lives so that we can be happy with what he have, instead of wishing that we would've gotten one of the million other items at our disposal instead.

Oddly enough, Schwartz never deduced that companies put out so many choices precisely because it makes consumers unhappy, and ergo, shop more.

Schwartz tells us of how he thought up his theorem:

"I once walked into barnes and noble, and the first thing I noticed was that I completely blacked out. I dont know for how long, but I regained awareness outside of the Barnes and Noble with ten things in my hand, and none of them were money."

Schwartz got a paper back version of the Da Vinci Code, Ulysses with commentary by Stuart Gilbert, a handbook of chakra exercises he found in the bargain section, a history of white people, and a box set with half of the Dark Tower series in it. He also had a Mocha Latte and a triple chunk chocolate chip cookie from the cafe, and on the way out was convinced into buying a nook e-book.

"I dont understand," Schwartz continued, " why the hell did they only put half of the dark tower series in the box set? They whole series is published, put the whole damn thing in there!" He paused in frustration, "And a better question is what compelled me to get half of a box set?"

After Schwartz released his paper on the B&N Syndrome, many social scientists started conducting experiments, and confirming Schwartz's suspicion.

"It was weird," Said a participant in a study, "I just got out of my car and stopped by the B&N by the mall. And when they asked me to recollect my experience when I left the store for their 'study', I couldn't recall a single thing I did in there. But here I am, with a magazine on professional cameras and "The Stuff of Thought"- I dont even have an interest in photography or psychology, so I dont know why I bought these things."

One theory explaining the syndrome states that, while entering the store, their higher primate brain takes over. The need to appear smart and intelligent to other people drives them to buy books of any kind, just so that they can add more to their bookshelf and appear smart. Another theory states that 9/11 was an inside job, and its all part of the governments plot to brainwash people into being submissive sheeple who have no control over their own minds.

The key symptom of B&N syndrome is always an undulation of consciousness and a compulsion to buy unnecessary literature that does not even appeal to a persons interests, followed by a regained awareness, and a handful of items they didn't want to begin with. It is widely recognized by the results that its to late to avoid the rest of the effects of the syndrome if they have already encountered the first symptom and blacked out.

Some say that they have actually 'woken up' from their trance state in the middle of the store and realized that they didn't need to buy that picture book of Dante's Inferno or that pulp novel they will never read, dropped the items, and left. But since no scientific studies have been able to reproduce such behavior, it remains to be unconfirmed, anecdotal, unscientific speculation.

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